Month: November 2021

Good news: Step One – Recognizing that what I feel is anxiety and panic attacks – and how miserably I deal has been mastered (or more accurately – somewhat noticed). The panic develops typically when I am trying to do anything within a limited timeframe. Searching the web for dining room chairs when one or both superheroes are sleeping, knowing they will wake up any minute, sends me into a tailspin. Speaking on the phone to my SO when he is expecting an immediate, succinct update on house renovations forces me to freeze, forget, and become tongue tied. Below I am figuring out what works and does not work to overcome this anxiety.

Sidenote

I am proud (NOT) to say that between Fight, Flight, or Freeze response, it is Freezing that I consistently practice. My mind is consistently blank. The person I was who always followed through with a promise cannot finish anything I begin and as the situations become more intense, like motherhood, moving across the country, the pandemic, the more I have frozen and dropped the ball when the game is on the line. Find out what irenelyon shows is your go-to response.

Anxiety Solutions Update

Step 2: Find better ways of coping. I anticipate testing this step in numerous ways.

Breathe

I began to rely heavily on my apple watch to time my breath or better yet, recall the breathing exercises that I used to teach my own students. With these tools, I have begun to reel myself back in. Not all the way to a calm-down-to-efficiently-finish-the-job state…yet! But a – breath, stop crying, and-sit-back-down-and-don’t-give-up-yet state. I do find that it is really easy to skip “breathing time” but there are strategic instances when taking a breath (or a few) does truly come in handy.

Un-Nix Coffee

After graduate school, I obtained a position in what I view as the beginning of my career, I began drinking green tea each morning because of the health and brain boosting benefits along with the smidgen of caffeine. My brain obviously needs something right now, so I am back to a daily green tea regiment. My favorite is Numi’s Gunpowder Green. However, I am also back to one cup of coffee about every other day. Robin is still night potty training and Batman wakes up ever so early (usually before 6 am), so the need for caffeine or more sleep is there. And sleep is generally more elusive.

Goals Recap: 1. Better Mom, 2. Get a Job 3. Rebuild relationships

1. As a better mother, I have modified my schedule. I try to wake up before the kids and shower before leaving the house. (Brushing my teeth is still a novelty, but within reach!) Batman usually wakes me up right before my alarm and we go straight to the couch to read books. Most of the time I fall asleep while reading and I can hear myself talking gibberish or dreaming words that I am not speaking. Batman is not thrilled when this happens and demands TV and candy in the morning, which starts a very “relaxing” breakfast ritual (roll eyes).
2. The job search is ebbing and flowing. Some weeks I apply for a couple of positions and then do not look at a description until weeks later. I have called some connections, which I am waiting to see pan out, though more focus needs to be directed at this goal. Which brings us too…
3. This is too big for one paragraph. It may become a unique blog…to be continued.

…New Anxiety Reducing Solutions

Weeks ago, I jumped on to the road bike and trainer set up in our dining room. I joined my SO road biking in the Bay Area’s foothills once or twice, so I have the gear (padded shorts and clip in shoes) to look like a pro. Working out is one of the best things to get the serotonin and endorphins pumping, but a dislocated toe curbed that workout after a few weeks.

Next I joined a group called Toast Maters International to brush up my former public speaking skills. Of course, most sessions have been virtual because of the pandemic and I have only been able to log on once because of the superhero schedules. I felt great, like a professional, again! Though public speaking on a computer at home is not as anxiety inducing as it will be if I ever get to stand up in front of 20+ people.

I found an app called Elevate which helps build communication and analytical skills. It works my mind and if nothing else, I feel like I am accomplishing something when I have a few moments of open time between school pick-ups.

Lately, I have been looking into Reiki. It is a form of energy healing. I’ll report on that if I decide to try it.

Outlook: Back to Basics

This week my anxiety and panic attacks have been less. It might be that the Thanksgiving holiday has been a distraction. It could be that a very good friend is fighting COVID for his life, so every other stressful event has dimmed in comparison. However, after proofreading this post and taking some time to reflect, I do have to admit, the basics: going to bed earlier, eating and drinking a lot of water, (and I will just throw in – taking a multivitamin) has really really really made me feel more like my old, grounded self. Hmmm…

Step One – Realize that what I feel is anxiety and panic attacks – and how miserably I deal.

It has taken years for me to recognize when I am having a panic attack or feeling anxious enough to divert my course of action. I have always prided myself on not being a procrastinator, but I also did not see how many things I never even attempted because I just knew, “I couldn’t possibly do that!” Not realizing that a successful person would ask, “What will it take to become calmer and find a solution?” I have passed over job postings, absconded interviews, circumvented presentations, etc. I have not followed through on finding apartments, interviewing babysitters, investing in retirement, calling doctors. The list of activities I have avoided is endless. Apparently, Avoiding Reality Is a Dangerous Coping Skill!

Step Two – Find better ways of coping.

The life that I know and love is beginning to crumble and it is up to me to change my avoidant ways by overcoming stressors instead of crumbling with them. Typically, I would crawl into bed and wait until the storm passed. However, now that there are two offspring in the mix, it is a bit harder to crawl into bed and leave them to their own devices. When – let’s call him Batman 4, sprayed the fire extinguisher in the dining room after Robin 2 threw his fourth bowl of yogurt at the wall, I could not just ignore them and mope away.

Step Three – Set goals that I have no choice, but to conquer if I want my life to continue on a forward path.

1. Be a better parent – My boys are tiny – 2 and 4 years old and I have become a nagging whining, unrecognizable Medusa who sends them into nail biting frenzies when I should be the organized put together role model whom they need.
2. Get a job – a good job, a real job, to advance my career. The pandemic has coaxed me home to care for the kids, but it is time to get back out in the working world.
3. Both of these goals will hopefully make me a better partner and support to my SO, who has backed me for many years in vain and to his detriment.

Immediate solutions:

Nix Coffee

I scaled back on caffeine. During the onset of COVID, I decided, I was going to be an adult and not prioritize sleep, so 2-4 cups of coffee (after not drinking any) became my daily ritual. Turns out, not sleeping well and overloading on coffee does not promote tranquility. Though, I am super sleepy after cutting back to one cup of tea a day, I have also cut down drastically on the feelings of panic that simmer consistently below the surface.

Breathe

I took up the invitations from my trusty Apple Watch to “Breathe” at certain times during the day. This also has had a calming effect. Go figure!

Sideline the Haters

I stopped speaking as frequently with the friends and family who thought they were commiserating with me, but in fact adding to my stress. I began gravitating toward new friends and old family members who helped to find ways over, around, and through the action blocking anxiety. For instance, I have told numerous people that I intend to go back to work – could not wait to go back to work! I would find a piece of myself that was not sticky. But only ONE person listened and began brainstorming how to start the job search process. The rest consistently told me that two small children were a handful and this was not the time to rush into a more stressful situation – aka job. I would get off the phone or out of those visits feeling like my goals were out of reach.

I HAVE to be like that one person and find a way to make it all happen!