I was heartbroken to hear that I have become the selfish, toxic person in my loved ones lives. In my younger days, I thought that I was a calming force in my relationships. I prided myself on being even keeled and laid back – thankful for everything that I had and always finding the good in situations and people. I aspired to be that cliche person who lit up the room when they entered. For a time, I think I was making my way toward that person- at home, at work, with friends. Regrettably, I have neglected to reevaluated this aspect of myself in quite some time and jittery negativity has taken root. Therefore, in addition to the goals of becoming a better mom, finding employment, and eventually earning my SO’s respect back, scribble in regain positivity/lose pestilence. I anticipate that a positive outlook will alleviate the nerves and panic that have taken hold. We’ll see…
Enter Reiki
To rid myself of this cynical, defeatist aura or more accurately – blocked chakra, I decided to try Reiki. In my first session, I literally shocked the practitioner as my negative energy unloaded. I picture her releasing(?) my chakra and the toxic spark literally jumped right out of me.
Additionally, one’s Throat Chakra, located in, you guessed it – one’s throat – encapsulates communication, which has always evaded me. During and after the session, my throat had become eerily soar, though the pain receded temporarily when I apologize to my SO during a notable conversation. More recently, I could swallow cleanly when I walked away from a potentially charged situation. Hmmm…
The practitioner taught me to perform Reiki on Batman and Robin before bed. And I have been using a program I found online to administer Reiki on myself. This has been quite helpful especially if I have time to steal away during anxiety provoking situations.
I am game to become an outstanding influence on my little superheros so they thrive in their top notch ecosystem. Maybe Reiki will help.
Picture this… SO and I have moved cross country twice now, once with our beloved dog and back again with an additional 2 toddlers that we will call Batman and Robin…
Fast forward 2 years, my anxiety is through the roof and panic attacks are immobilizing. Is it because every night I am answering bedtime questions like: How do skeletons climb out of the grave? Do bad guys sleep? Why do Zombies bite? Or is there some other underlying issue like the mediocre school system and unremarkable community upbringing that taught me to make excuses instead of control my fears.
Everyone is anxious to a degree and comes across fear-inducing situations at one time or another. The difference is that high achieving individuals have learned to overcome these feelings, so that they are able to continue to move toward their life aspirations. In other words, they have not allowed their anxiety to become debilitating panic. Therefore, if I can teach Batman to visit the potty without fear of an accompanying ghost, he will be ready to utilize any school, store, or porto-potty without hesitation, leaving him plenty of superpower to study abroad or climb the Andes if he desires. Likewise, if I had pushed myself to speak with confidence before 40 years old, then I would not have such a fear of interviews or public presentation, which inevitably would have lead to a greater level of employment.
There is no time like the present!
As I listen to Robin mutter, “What the hell?” at Blaze and his Monster Machine TV riffraff, it is clear that: 1) Not only do I have to teach a 2 year old not to curse, but 2) He has to learn to reply to (inevitable) nerve-rattling situations with responses that will positively dictate his fate.
Additionally, Patricia Becker is a yoga instructor whose class I frequented about 10 years ago. She has a website https://yourhealthandjoy.com and classes on YouTube that will brighten anyone’s day.
Good news: Step One – Recognizing that what I feel is anxiety and panic attacks – and how miserably I deal has been mastered (or more accurately – somewhat noticed). The panic develops typically when I am trying to do anything within a limited timeframe. Searching the web for dining room chairs when one or both superheroes are sleeping, knowing they will wake up any minute, sends me into a tailspin. Speaking on the phone to my SO when he is expecting an immediate, succinct update on house renovations forces me to freeze, forget, and become tongue tied. Below I am figuring out what works and does not work to overcome this anxiety.
Sidenote
I am proud (NOT) to say that between Fight, Flight, or Freeze response, it is Freezing that I consistently practice. My mind is consistently blank. The person I was who always followed through with a promise cannot finish anything I begin and as the situations become more intense, like motherhood, moving across the country, the pandemic, the more I have frozen and dropped the ball when the game is on the line. Find out what irenelyon shows is your go-to response.
Anxiety Solutions Update
Step 2: Find better ways of coping. I anticipate testing this step in numerous ways.
Breathe
I began to rely heavily on my apple watch to time my breath or better yet, recall the breathing exercises that I used to teach my own students. With these tools, I have begun to reel myself back in. Not all the way to a calm-down-to-efficiently-finish-the-job state…yet! But a – breath, stop crying, and-sit-back-down-and-don’t-give-up-yet state. I do find that it is really easy to skip “breathing time” but there are strategic instances when taking a breath (or a few) does truly come in handy.
Un-Nix Coffee
After graduate school, I obtained a position in what I view as the beginning of my career, I began drinking green tea each morning because of the health and brain boosting benefits along with the smidgen of caffeine. My brain obviously needs something right now, so I am back to a daily green tea regiment. My favorite is Numi’s Gunpowder Green. However, I am also back to one cup of coffee about every other day. Robin is still night potty training and Batman wakes up ever so early (usually before 6 am), so the need for caffeine or more sleep is there. And sleep is generally more elusive.
Goals Recap: 1. Better Mom, 2. Get a Job 3. Rebuild relationships
As a better mother, I have modified my schedule. I try to wake up before the kids and shower before leaving the house. (Brushing my teeth is still a novelty, but within reach!) Batman usually wakes me up right before my alarm and we go straight to the couch to read books. Most of the time I fall asleep while reading and I can hear myself talking gibberish or dreaming words that I am not speaking. Batman is not thrilled when this happens and demands TV and candy in the morning, which starts a very “relaxing” breakfast ritual (roll eyes).
The job search is ebbing and flowing. Some weeks I apply for a couple of positions and then do not look at a description until weeks later. I have called some connections, which I am waiting to see pan out, though more focus needs to be directed at this goal. Which brings us too…
This is too big for one paragraph. It may become a unique blog…to be continued.
…New Anxiety Reducing Solutions
Weeks ago, I jumped on to the road bike and trainer set up in our dining room. I joined my SO road biking in the Bay Area’s foothills once or twice, so I have the gear (padded shorts and clip in shoes) to look like a pro. Working out is one of the best things to get the serotonin and endorphins pumping, but a dislocated toe curbed that workout after a few weeks.
Next I joined a group called Toast Maters International to brush up my former public speaking skills. Of course, most sessions have been virtual because of the pandemic and I have only been able to log on once because of the superhero schedules. I felt great, like a professional, again! Though public speaking on a computer at home is not as anxiety inducing as it will be if I ever get to stand up in front of 20+ people.
I found an app called Elevate which helps build communication and analytical skills. It works my mind and if nothing else, I feel like I am accomplishing something when I have a few moments of open time between school pick-ups.
Lately, I have been looking into Reiki. It is a form of energy healing. I’ll report on that if I decide to try it.
Outlook: Back to Basics
This week my anxiety and panic attacks have been less. It might be that the Thanksgiving holiday has been a distraction. It could be that a very good friend is fighting COVID for his life, so every other stressful event has dimmed in comparison. However, after proofreading this post and taking some time to reflect, I do have to admit, the basics: going to bed earlier, eating and drinking a lot of water, (and I will just throw in – taking a multivitamin) has really really really made me feel more like my old, grounded self. Hmmm…
It has taken years for me to recognize when I am having a panic attack or feeling anxious enough to divert my course of action. I have always prided myself on not being a procrastinator, but I also did not see how many things I never even attempted because I just knew, “I couldn’t possibly do that!” Not realizing that a successful person would ask, “What will it take to become calmer and find a solution?” I have passed over job postings, absconded interviews, circumvented presentations, etc. I have not followed through on finding apartments, interviewing babysitters, investing in retirement, calling doctors. The list of activities I have avoided is endless. Apparently, Avoiding Reality Is a Dangerous Coping Skill!
Step Two – Find better ways of coping.
The life that I know and love is beginning to crumble and it is up to me to change my avoidant ways by overcoming stressors instead of crumbling with them. Typically, I would crawl into bed and wait until the storm passed. However, now that there are two offspring in the mix, it is a bit harder to crawl into bed and leave them to their own devices. When – let’s call him Batman 4, sprayed the fire extinguisher in the dining room after Robin 2 threw his fourth bowl of yogurt at the wall, I could not just ignore them and mope away.
Step Three – Set goals that I have no choice, but to conquer if I want my life to continue on a forward path.
Be a better parent – My boys are tiny – 2 and 4 years old and I have become a nagging whining, unrecognizable Medusa who sends them into nail biting frenzies when I should be the organized put together role model whom they need.
Get a job – a good job, a real job, to advance my career. The pandemic has coaxed me home to care for the kids, but it is time to get back out in the working world.
Both of these goals will hopefully make me a better partner and support to my SO, who has backed me for many years in vain and to his detriment.
Immediate solutions:
Nix Coffee
I scaled back on caffeine. During the onset of COVID, I decided, I was going to be an adult and not prioritize sleep, so 2-4 cups of coffee (after not drinking any) became my daily ritual. Turns out, not sleeping well and overloading on coffee does not promote tranquility. Though, I am super sleepy after cutting back to one cup of tea a day, I have also cut down drastically on the feelings of panic that simmer consistently below the surface.
Breathe
I took up the invitations from my trusty Apple Watch to “Breathe” at certain times during the day. This also has had a calming effect. Go figure!
Sideline the Haters
I stopped speaking as frequently with the friends and family who thought they were commiserating with me, but in fact adding to my stress. I began gravitating toward new friends and old family members who helped to find ways over, around, and through the action blocking anxiety. For instance, I have told numerous people that I intend to go back to work – could not wait to go back to work! I would find a piece of myself that was not sticky. But only ONE person listened and began brainstorming how to start the job search process. The rest consistently told me that two small children were a handful and this was not the time to rush into a more stressful situation – aka job. I would get off the phone or out of those visits feeling like my goals were out of reach.
I HAVE to be like that one person and find a way to make it all happen!
In a world of Zoom preschool and masked playdates, I reluctantly set out to write the typical Stay-At-Home-Mom-During-COVID blog to relay zainy toddler escapades while renewing my zeal for life. However, as I reflect on the life that is so incredibly far from what I imagined years ago, it is obvious that anxiety, fear, and panic attacks have held me back in EVERY aspect of that life and now become an almost hourly occurance. The intention of this blog is to document my path to conquering the undiagnosed immobilizing panic and show that it is never too late to discover the person you envision.
Step One – Realize that what I feel is anxiety and panic attacks – and how miserably I deal.
Among numerous stressors today, this blog has an error message. After hours of unsuccessful troubleshooting, a panic attack ensued – complete with tears, shaking, head to toe sweating, and numb extremities. Somewhat intense, you say? Regarding a website error? I should mention that I am a trained and certified (but not practicing) counselor who identified this panic attack after a three hour playground break (I am also a mom.) and a glass of wine (really two because I prefer beer).
Typically, I would: 1) Get to this draft, assume failure, and bail. Or more realistically: 2) I would not have attempted a blog in the first place. It is some improvement that with water in my wine glass, screen time for my darling superheroes (more on them later), and the panic still threatening to erupt, that I continue to plow ahead to publish. As a parent navigating a global pandemic, there is no more necessary time to demolish panic.
Cheers to sharing thoughts, new and old ideas, and hearing from readers about ways to struggle together, individually in order to create the life that we imagine.
